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Growing Pains

It feels like every day this week, I have had to re-evaluate everything. And let me make something clear. Individual paradigm shifts are massive emotional headaches. That sentence makes sense, I promise. But really. In the last week (since last Friday), I have learned so much, my head could explode. I have cried so much, my tear ducts should be fried. I have thought so much, my brain could expire. I have prayed so much, I should be out of words. And yet the information, the tears, the thoughts, the prayers—they all keep coming. Rushing together around me, lifting me off the ground until my feet almost forget the daily grind of shoe on concrete. And then they hurl me to earth, crush me under their weight, overwhelm me with their multitude. A few times, it has past the breaking point, and I have shattered with fear that this time I am beyond repair.

And yet, I am repairing. I can feel the mending, the growing. I have changed so much since last Friday. To be honest, it’s a little terrifying. Too fast, too fast. My momentum is building, and as my speed increases so does my fear. And yet I’m still moving forward. This week I have shared my faith with strangers and friends, lost an election, walked into the light, told the truth, studied for exams, seen a play, and so much more. I cried more tears than I dared count. And yet something is changing. I can feel it. I am being made new. And it is terrifying. But it is also exhilarating. God is moving powerfully in my life. He is refining me by fire. And he is doing it so quickly, I almost didn’t see it. I’m overwhelmed. But a part of me is also curious. I like where this is going. Where is God going to take me? Somewhere I will be wiser. Somewhere I can become stronger. Somewhere I can make a difference.

God, I trust you. I’m scared and I’m scarred. But I’m ready to grow.

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